Wednesday, April 29, 2015

council of heritage Motor clubs annual Rally 2015 – part 4


Easter Sunday – Uralla


The cars went on a morning run, ending up at the Uralla showground.

And the rain has stopped.

Its time for our last instalment of our performance, and its time for the narrator to set the scene again.

NOTE:- Parts of this performance not effecting the final outcome have been edited.


We are in a courtroom and Darling is now the judge with Freddy Ward is the defence.

Narrator (Kim):- The wild lawless rabble of the New England District inevitably wound up in the courtroom. There an endless flow of the flotsam and jetsam of society faced up to the rigors of British justice.

The court saw a long succession of the desperate, the violent and the downright cruel – and that was just the law makers!!!


Narrator:- Yet – amid this cavalcade of human misery,  Lieutenant Governor Fergus Darling performed rough justice…. just to keep the flow moving


Narrator:- BUT on rare occasions a SENSATIONAL case was heard that really caught the imagination of the public.

Such is the case in todays session….


(Whoopee – finished!! and I scoot up the back of the crowd to help gee them up on cue).


Judge Darling:- Bring in the first case !!!

Corporal Punishment enters the stage with a man with a bandaged head.

Punishment:- Sir, I caught this great unwashed with a horse that he could not provide proof of ownership for. I then arrested him.. charging him with horse theft.


Freddy :- I call on the arrested man , one ‘Hydraulic Jack’ to give his version of the story.

Judge Darling:- Hydraulic Jack? is that his real name?

Punishment:- Sir, if I may, it is the name he is known by. It seems most appropriate as he is known to LIFT anything!

Jack:- I admit the horse was not mine. I have an affinity with animals, especially horses, HE JUST FOLLOWED ME HOME!

Judge Darling:- Is that it Freddy? Is that the defence?!


Freddy :- It is Sir. Only to mention that this man Hydraulic Jack is the father of 10 children and is well known for his charitable work. He is a hard worker and a producer of STEEL WOOL.

Judge Darling:- Steel Wool..!??? Where does steel wool come from?

Freddy :- I believe it is from Hydraulic RAMS Sir!



Judge Darling:- I believe in his claim for charitable work and I am equally sure that this bounders charitable work begins at home. I also find that for him to have ten children that he must be married to a woman with no sense of smell whatever……. Corporal Punishment I see this persons head is bandaged how did this happen?

Punishment:- Sir, this bounder hit my gentle horse on the head with a clenched fist for no good reason. The force of my gentle horses kick,, shot Hydraulic Jack forward and he jammed his head in the jail door.

Freddy :- Surely Corporal you don’t want us to believe that your horse was INSIDE the jail with you and Jack.

Punishment:- It was RAINING, Sir.


Judge Darling:- You are indeed a kind considerate man Corporal. I have heard all I want to hear. By the way Corporal Punishment, how is you horse after that despicable attack?

Punishment:- He is in a STABLE condition Sir!

Judge Darling:- Hydraulic Jack, I sentence you to be taken from this place and handed back to your wife and ten kids. A cranky wife and ten screaming kids is for you a life sentence and most appropriate.


Bronwyn (above, now a convict, not a preacher), then got up and read a poem about confessing to the troopers, claiming to have buried a body in her fathers garden, when it was really a ruse to have the troopers do the job of digging the garden up ready for planting.

Bron:- Hey you there Handsome! (pointing to an audience member) look up! we may be related



But wait there's more…..

Now for the main case of todays court session…

Sergeant Pies(Graham):- Sir, the next case, is.. I am afraid… one which will disturb your honour’s deep sensitivity. Indeed Sir, it is one where we perhaps should shield the fairer members of this gathering from. Indeed Sir I have been working on a way to protect the ladies from such exposure and it is my view that it should be given an 18+ MA rating.

Mrs Stone calls out:- Pies you were not so worried about your behaviour at the Touch of Class Hut last night!!!!

Sergeant Pies:- All in the line of duty.. Sir!

Judge Darling:- Pies get on with it! – Any lady who is offended is free to leave at any time.

Sergeant Pies:- Sir.. The arresting officer is Private Lessons together with Private Parts, with your permission Sir, they will bring in the offenders and proceed with the case.

A paint splattered man and a shapely young woman are brought in and placed in the dock.

Parts:- Sir, this man goes by the name of Picasso Le Track and describes himself as a world sought after famous artist. The sweet young thing Sir, is none other than that most sought after siren, my dream at night, the object of my every daily thoughts, her name the first and last name uttered in my nightly prayers, a lady I have desired to find ever since that first silhouette  raised the heat within this lonely colony. Sir she is none other than….. Miss Leniency.


Judge Darling:- Why is she and that artist type here? What is their BRUSH with the law!


Parts:- Sir, this fraud Picasso had an easel set up with a canvas and was… – with a lecherous smile on his face painting Miss Leniency in the …. you know..

Judge Darling:- Know? I don’t know man – come on – Out with it!

Lessons:- Sir, this misguided Miss,,,,  Sir.. She was without…


Judge Darling:- Without? Without what – I am losing patience with you Lessons.

Parts:- Sir, she was without CLOTHES – God Gloriously naked!

Judge Darling:- Naked you say… Are you sure she was not wearing something – A smile perhaps?

Parts:- I can assure you Sir, NOTHING, and I am sure… for I observed what was happening for at least TWO HOURS noting everything down in my charge book…..


Judge Darling:- You propose to read from your charge book?

Lessons:- Yes Sir, It may be a bit jumbled, Parts and I managed to get our stories straight eventually.


Freddy :- I urge you Sir to throw out this ludicrous charge, It is without proof, based on the laughable testimony of team Parts and Lessons and in the case of Miss Leniency it is without FABRIC!

Parts:- My proof is at hand – BRING IT IN!

Troopers bring in an easel with a draped painting on it.


Parts:- SIR! This is the painting in question! Proof that I observed her naked… her arm outstretched holding a flower.. AND this immoral fraudster painting the scene.

Freddy :- ..Parts… you said you and Lessons observed this going on for two hours. WHY so long?… Why did you not act upon it as soon as you came upon the scene???? You can’t ask US to believe  that this continued on for two hours  whilst you both sat there observing…..

Judge Darling:- Freddy has a point….


Parts:- Sir… we was hidden from their view---- in a clump of bushes a little way away….

Freddy :- So,,, you weren’t close, so how can you be sure?

Parts:- We has my binoculars focussed on her… err,,, that is on them. Lessons and I shared the glasses – we also waited with great desire to see that the painting was finished so we could provide PROPER IMPROPER EVIDENCE… Sir!!!

Judge Darling:- Your dedication to duty is commendable Private Parts. What did you do when the painting was finished?


(Okay…Okay…You had to BE there!!! ……. SO,  this bit just goes on and on!

It turns out that Parts and Lessons stole her clothes and sold them in some sort of auction.

And, when hearing that Picasso Le Trek uses live models in his art classes, Gov. Darling, has decided to enrol).


Parts:- SIR!  We may lack culture but we have the PROOF! We have the painting… The court MUST see it!

Judge Darling:- Yes by all means… yes, I was so caught up in the evidence that I must admit that I forgot the finished work!

Freddy :- Sir! – I must protest!… I see no purpose in showing this work. I am sure the court does not care to see it…

Lessons:- Can we ASK them .. Sir?

The judge waves to Lessons to continue.. and Lessons turns to the crowd asking “Do you want the painting revealed”?

YES!- YES!~ SHOW US! … TAKE IT OFF!!! etc…

uproar and mayhem from the audience.


Sgt. Pies moves to the painting and with a flourish pulls back the cover and reveals the painting to the cast members… All gasp at the reveal – THE CROWD CANNOT SEE THE PAINTING…

The painting is recovered with the cloth…

(Gov. Darling orders the painting to be taken to his home at once.

The audience is in uproar)…

Show us… SHOW US, SHOW The Painting!!!


Freddy :- Sir! – Don’t head that call, Remember the sensitive ladies out there. Sir it is not proper!

Judge Darling:- (Asks the crowd) Are you sure? Are you all up to this? Think carefully….

Show us… SHOW US,

Judge Darling:- What the Hell… Be it on your own heads.. PRIVATES.. reveal the painting!




(Mayhem ensues from the audience).

Freddy :- (when things settle down – Calls out) Sir! Sir, we need a judgement!

Judge Darling:- Fellow time travellers , Thank you for your indulgence. By the power invested in me I thank you all for your perseverance and decree we all should retire for lunch… CASE DISMSSED.

(And the players take their final bows)


All finished! No one made any big stuff ups with their lines, which was just as well seeing we rehearsed it for about 10 weeks. Mind you some of the rehearsals were hysterical.

Much thanks to Bob & Peter (Gov. Darling & Freddy Ward) for writing the script.

Thanks to Lyn for the photos (I was a tad too busy to take these myself).

Thanks to those of my blog readers who persevered with this epic to the end.

The Rally shouldn’t return to us for 5 or more years – but I think Bob is already working on the next script.

Oh, and the painting was auctioned at the final nights dinner.

scan of post it 001

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