Wednesday, April 29, 2015

council of heritage Motor clubs annual Rally 2015 – part 4


Easter Sunday – Uralla


The cars went on a morning run, ending up at the Uralla showground.

And the rain has stopped.

Its time for our last instalment of our performance, and its time for the narrator to set the scene again.

NOTE:- Parts of this performance not effecting the final outcome have been edited.


We are in a courtroom and Darling is now the judge with Freddy Ward is the defence.

Narrator (Kim):- The wild lawless rabble of the New England District inevitably wound up in the courtroom. There an endless flow of the flotsam and jetsam of society faced up to the rigors of British justice.

The court saw a long succession of the desperate, the violent and the downright cruel – and that was just the law makers!!!


Narrator:- Yet – amid this cavalcade of human misery,  Lieutenant Governor Fergus Darling performed rough justice…. just to keep the flow moving


Narrator:- BUT on rare occasions a SENSATIONAL case was heard that really caught the imagination of the public.

Such is the case in todays session….


(Whoopee – finished!! and I scoot up the back of the crowd to help gee them up on cue).


Judge Darling:- Bring in the first case !!!

Corporal Punishment enters the stage with a man with a bandaged head.

Punishment:- Sir, I caught this great unwashed with a horse that he could not provide proof of ownership for. I then arrested him.. charging him with horse theft.


Freddy :- I call on the arrested man , one ‘Hydraulic Jack’ to give his version of the story.

Judge Darling:- Hydraulic Jack? is that his real name?

Punishment:- Sir, if I may, it is the name he is known by. It seems most appropriate as he is known to LIFT anything!

Jack:- I admit the horse was not mine. I have an affinity with animals, especially horses, HE JUST FOLLOWED ME HOME!

Judge Darling:- Is that it Freddy? Is that the defence?!


Freddy :- It is Sir. Only to mention that this man Hydraulic Jack is the father of 10 children and is well known for his charitable work. He is a hard worker and a producer of STEEL WOOL.

Judge Darling:- Steel Wool..!??? Where does steel wool come from?

Freddy :- I believe it is from Hydraulic RAMS Sir!



Judge Darling:- I believe in his claim for charitable work and I am equally sure that this bounders charitable work begins at home. I also find that for him to have ten children that he must be married to a woman with no sense of smell whatever……. Corporal Punishment I see this persons head is bandaged how did this happen?

Punishment:- Sir, this bounder hit my gentle horse on the head with a clenched fist for no good reason. The force of my gentle horses kick,, shot Hydraulic Jack forward and he jammed his head in the jail door.

Freddy :- Surely Corporal you don’t want us to believe that your horse was INSIDE the jail with you and Jack.

Punishment:- It was RAINING, Sir.


Judge Darling:- You are indeed a kind considerate man Corporal. I have heard all I want to hear. By the way Corporal Punishment, how is you horse after that despicable attack?

Punishment:- He is in a STABLE condition Sir!

Judge Darling:- Hydraulic Jack, I sentence you to be taken from this place and handed back to your wife and ten kids. A cranky wife and ten screaming kids is for you a life sentence and most appropriate.


Bronwyn (above, now a convict, not a preacher), then got up and read a poem about confessing to the troopers, claiming to have buried a body in her fathers garden, when it was really a ruse to have the troopers do the job of digging the garden up ready for planting.

Bron:- Hey you there Handsome! (pointing to an audience member) look up! we may be related



But wait there's more…..

Now for the main case of todays court session…

Sergeant Pies(Graham):- Sir, the next case, is.. I am afraid… one which will disturb your honour’s deep sensitivity. Indeed Sir, it is one where we perhaps should shield the fairer members of this gathering from. Indeed Sir I have been working on a way to protect the ladies from such exposure and it is my view that it should be given an 18+ MA rating.

Mrs Stone calls out:- Pies you were not so worried about your behaviour at the Touch of Class Hut last night!!!!

Sergeant Pies:- All in the line of duty.. Sir!

Judge Darling:- Pies get on with it! – Any lady who is offended is free to leave at any time.

Sergeant Pies:- Sir.. The arresting officer is Private Lessons together with Private Parts, with your permission Sir, they will bring in the offenders and proceed with the case.

A paint splattered man and a shapely young woman are brought in and placed in the dock.

Parts:- Sir, this man goes by the name of Picasso Le Track and describes himself as a world sought after famous artist. The sweet young thing Sir, is none other than that most sought after siren, my dream at night, the object of my every daily thoughts, her name the first and last name uttered in my nightly prayers, a lady I have desired to find ever since that first silhouette  raised the heat within this lonely colony. Sir she is none other than….. Miss Leniency.


Judge Darling:- Why is she and that artist type here? What is their BRUSH with the law!


Parts:- Sir, this fraud Picasso had an easel set up with a canvas and was… – with a lecherous smile on his face painting Miss Leniency in the …. you know..

Judge Darling:- Know? I don’t know man – come on – Out with it!

Lessons:- Sir, this misguided Miss,,,,  Sir.. She was without…


Judge Darling:- Without? Without what – I am losing patience with you Lessons.

Parts:- Sir, she was without CLOTHES – God Gloriously naked!

Judge Darling:- Naked you say… Are you sure she was not wearing something – A smile perhaps?

Parts:- I can assure you Sir, NOTHING, and I am sure… for I observed what was happening for at least TWO HOURS noting everything down in my charge book…..


Judge Darling:- You propose to read from your charge book?

Lessons:- Yes Sir, It may be a bit jumbled, Parts and I managed to get our stories straight eventually.


Freddy :- I urge you Sir to throw out this ludicrous charge, It is without proof, based on the laughable testimony of team Parts and Lessons and in the case of Miss Leniency it is without FABRIC!

Parts:- My proof is at hand – BRING IT IN!

Troopers bring in an easel with a draped painting on it.


Parts:- SIR! This is the painting in question! Proof that I observed her naked… her arm outstretched holding a flower.. AND this immoral fraudster painting the scene.

Freddy :- ..Parts… you said you and Lessons observed this going on for two hours. WHY so long?… Why did you not act upon it as soon as you came upon the scene???? You can’t ask US to believe  that this continued on for two hours  whilst you both sat there observing…..

Judge Darling:- Freddy has a point….


Parts:- Sir… we was hidden from their view---- in a clump of bushes a little way away….

Freddy :- So,,, you weren’t close, so how can you be sure?

Parts:- We has my binoculars focussed on her… err,,, that is on them. Lessons and I shared the glasses – we also waited with great desire to see that the painting was finished so we could provide PROPER IMPROPER EVIDENCE… Sir!!!

Judge Darling:- Your dedication to duty is commendable Private Parts. What did you do when the painting was finished?


(Okay…Okay…You had to BE there!!! ……. SO,  this bit just goes on and on!

It turns out that Parts and Lessons stole her clothes and sold them in some sort of auction.

And, when hearing that Picasso Le Trek uses live models in his art classes, Gov. Darling, has decided to enrol).


Parts:- SIR!  We may lack culture but we have the PROOF! We have the painting… The court MUST see it!

Judge Darling:- Yes by all means… yes, I was so caught up in the evidence that I must admit that I forgot the finished work!

Freddy :- Sir! – I must protest!… I see no purpose in showing this work. I am sure the court does not care to see it…

Lessons:- Can we ASK them .. Sir?

The judge waves to Lessons to continue.. and Lessons turns to the crowd asking “Do you want the painting revealed”?

YES!- YES!~ SHOW US! … TAKE IT OFF!!! etc…

uproar and mayhem from the audience.


Sgt. Pies moves to the painting and with a flourish pulls back the cover and reveals the painting to the cast members… All gasp at the reveal – THE CROWD CANNOT SEE THE PAINTING…

The painting is recovered with the cloth…

(Gov. Darling orders the painting to be taken to his home at once.

The audience is in uproar)…

Show us… SHOW US, SHOW The Painting!!!


Freddy :- Sir! – Don’t head that call, Remember the sensitive ladies out there. Sir it is not proper!

Judge Darling:- (Asks the crowd) Are you sure? Are you all up to this? Think carefully….

Show us… SHOW US,

Judge Darling:- What the Hell… Be it on your own heads.. PRIVATES.. reveal the painting!




(Mayhem ensues from the audience).

Freddy :- (when things settle down – Calls out) Sir! Sir, we need a judgement!

Judge Darling:- Fellow time travellers , Thank you for your indulgence. By the power invested in me I thank you all for your perseverance and decree we all should retire for lunch… CASE DISMSSED.

(And the players take their final bows)


All finished! No one made any big stuff ups with their lines, which was just as well seeing we rehearsed it for about 10 weeks. Mind you some of the rehearsals were hysterical.

Much thanks to Bob & Peter (Gov. Darling & Freddy Ward) for writing the script.

Thanks to Lyn for the photos (I was a tad too busy to take these myself).

Thanks to those of my blog readers who persevered with this epic to the end.

The Rally shouldn’t return to us for 5 or more years – but I think Bob is already working on the next script.

Oh, and the painting was auctioned at the final nights dinner.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

council of heritage Motor clubs annual Rally 2015 – part 3


Saturday Night – Ex Services Club


I wasn’t kidding!

I warned you the next post was about Elvis.



He was a good Elvis too – very entertaining!

But in the interval it was time for the next instalment of the performance.

Fortunately, I had no role in this one so I could sit back and watch.


I think I’ve forgotten to mention the accent that Graham is using for his character. A cross between Cornish and Pirate. He tells me its west country.



Governor Fergus Darling and the Adjutant Freddy Ward are on the stage.

The players have been mingling with the guests.

Sergeant Pies (Graham) Calls out from the audience:- 

Pies:- .. Sir! …Sir! .. I have caught a woman here with her hand in this man’s pocket!

Darling:- Well spotted Pies, there is too much of these things going on. Is she a pickpocket?

(Pies looks at her badge)

Pies:- No Sir she is a Norma.

Darling:- Were you in time to stop her getting his jewels?

Pies:-  Well, he is smiling Sir!

Darling:- Pies, you are a wicked man – Proceed Pies


(above – Mrs Darling, the Preacher, Sgt Pies and Norma – what about the expression on the face of the bloke in the white shirt)!

Private Parts Calls out…

Parts :- Sir! Sir!… over here Sir!

Darling:-  What's he on about Freddy – You sort it out!

Freddy: - Okay Missing PartsDarr-ling wants to know what your shouting about

Parts:- Sir, I’ve caught a bounder here with missing rations.

Freddy:- Extra rations… very serious,, well done Spare Parts

Parts:- … Sir, very serious Sir!!!… I firmly believe that the only way to stamp out this sort of thing is to make an example of him – SIR!

Corporal Punishment interrupts – Can I flog Him!..?

Freddy:-  Back in your box! Now Redundant Parts this bounder is your collar – what do you suggest?

Parts:- Is Redundant a promotion Sir?

Freddy:- NO, Get on with it!


(Above:- Private parts catches a bounder)

Parts:- As the bounder has now swallowed the extra rations, the charge will be hard to prove, however, he cannot be allowed to get away with it. He should be severely CASTIGATED.

Darling interrupts :- Parts wants him castigated, Bloody hell Freddy that's tough, anyway I’m sure we will need a doctor to do that to him.


(Above:- Corporal Punishment, Pvt Parts, the bounder and the Preacher)

Freddy moves and whispers to Darling

Darling:-   Oh! Castigated – I nearly balls that one up – Thanks Freddy.

Freddy:- Just deal with him generic Parts, castigation can wait. And no before you ask generic is NOT a promotion.

Mrs Stone calls out….:- Sir!…Sir!…  – over here Sir!

Darling:-   Mrs Stone, Sweet lady what is it

Mrs Stone :- Thank you Darr-ling. I have just found a woman over here who is wearing men’s trousers.

Darling:-  Men’s trousers you say!

Mrs Stone :- Give me strength, YES men's trousers.

Darling:-  Well I’m sure if anyone is an expert on men’s trousers then it would be you. Sort it out Freddy…

Freddy:- Tell me sweet pebble, seeing as the governor thinks you are such an expert. Would it be too much trouble for you to tell us who you might think the trousers belong to.

Mrs Stone :-  Its Mrs Stone to you – Flash Freddy!… I know who the trousers belong to! They obviously belong to a man I had the troopers eject from this place earlier this evening.


(above:- Sgt Pies and Mrs Stone – and this is where Cheryl fluffed her lines and got the giggles)

Freddy:- Pray tell, Why did you have him ejected?

Mrs Stone :-  He turned up and he was unsuited……


Mrs Stone calls out – Don’t blame me I didn’t write it!!!!


Pies calls out:- Sir! , this man here has a question for you!

Darling:-  A question for me – Pies should I let him ask it?


(above:- Sgt Pies and his question asker)

Pies:-  Sir, why don't we let the room decide?

Pies addresses the room --- Ladies and Gentlemen,,, If you want the question to go ahead call out YES now!

YES – YES – Shouts the room!

Pies:-  Sir, They want the question!


Man:-  Darling… Tell me what is the difference between a soldiers charger and a cart horse? 

Darling:-  Pray tell….

Man:-  Well a soldiers charge horse darts into the fray and the cart horse farts into the dray!!!!


Darling:-  Pies charge that man!

Pies:-  What charge Sir?

Darling:-  Making better jokes than us!

Darling:- Convention attendees thank you for your indulgence while we dealt with those breaches of protocol. If you would like your photo added to those of the felons taken tonight then please call the troopers over to your table.


Its over again until tomorrow morning


And Elvis was back for the second part of the evening.


Tomorrow we head for the Uralla Showground to hear the tale of Miss Leniency.

Discover the deprived minds of Pvt Parts and Pvt Lessons,

AND the naked truth is finally revealed.


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Monday, April 20, 2015

council of heritage Motor clubs annual Rally 2015 – part 2


Saturday Morning

and it rained


and rained more…


Last minute change of plans. Originally part one of our performance was to be on the back of a vintage truck out side at the Armidale racecourse – however a quick re think and we are preforming inside.


A welcome to the more than 350 guests from the Mayor and the club president;

and then  its Showtime!

Narrator (me) Abbreviated script:-

“ Good morning time travellers!”

“Welcome to our serialised historical pageant,

which is a cross between Blue Heelers and Blue Hills.

(And Benny Hill)!

I invite you to step back in time with us and imagine you are in Armidale in the 1860’s.

It was a time when men where men and sheep still didn’t see any reason to be nervous.


New challenges lay ahead for the young colony……….The Government was based in far off Sydney Town, too far away for real control of the country areas.

NOT that the Politicians where really interested…..Sydney politicians were GREEDY, and SELF SERVING………..They were easily bought by shadowy businessmen with strange foreign names.

To them the law was not to be Obeid!!!!!

(Ha Ha – big cheer from the crowd)


The bush may have been cleared of bushrangers but a new wave of lawlessness spread through the New England district.

The many convicts in the population saw the flood of,cattle duffers, horse thieves,burglars, pick-pockets and real estate agents, all flaunting the law,,,, and many others gleefully joined in the crime spree

The local police troopers were of little use.. At best – burgling buffoons,,,at worst cruel and corrupt

The Lieutenant Governor tried to the best of his ability to control them………….The problem was , he didn't have a lot of ability..

But neither DID THEY!


No one seemed to have much faith in anything anymore……….Even the preacher wanted to be somewhere else………

AND all over the New England…………..Everyone was starting to get very nervous.

Especially the sheep”.!!!!!


YES – I finished it, and didn’t fluff my lines!!

Although I did look down at one point and saw my hand shaking.

I nearly had it memorised so I just needed my book for a prompt.


BUT wait..  I’m not finished – I now have to introduce the players

Firstly with the Lt Governor – Fergus Darling, (Darrr—ling) who then banters on for a bit.. and then,,,,,


Narrator – Introducing Sergeant Pies

Lt Gov.:– Pies I have been told that you can be a bit crusty, however well filled and good company for a meal.

Pies (This is Graham’s bit):- Sir, I guess I’m not to everyone's taste.

Lt Gov.:– Really Pies?

Pies:-Mind you Sir, I can be a bit saucy at times

Lt Gov.:–  Look Pies, Familiar faces…..Ladies and gentlemen raise your hands if you were here in 2008

Pies:- Should we ask them about the missing Ex Services Club cutlery now Sir?

Lt Gov.:– All in good time Pies


Pies:- Sir! - That woman over there with the big yellow flower , can I ask her a question?

Lt Gov.:– If you must.

Pies:- You sweet lady I want your name , address and phone number before the trouble starts.

Flower Lady :- What Trouble?

Pies:- Don’t you worry your pretty head about that, I’ll come up with something.

Lt Gov.:– Dear Lady, if you could see Sgt Pies later it would be most appreciated.


Narrator:- now introducing – The Preacher


Lt Gov.:– Ahhh,,,  Preacher,, still no recall to England

Preacher:- Alas no

Lt Gov.:– Cheer up things could be worse, you could be a prostitute.

Preacher:- WHAT! … What did you say?

(Sgt Pies whispers to the Lt Gov.)

Lt Gov.:– Silly me, I meant Protestant.


Narrator:- Introducing Mrs Stone.

Lt Gov.:– You are,I am told a very astute business women, however I was also told  you were once the companion of the highway man ,, Dick Turpin.

Mrs Stone:- I happen to know a lot of Dick’s. There was Dicktation, Dicktorial, Dicktator. OH, I could go on! And now that I’ve met you I can add Richard Cranium to the list

Lt Gov.:– I don’t follow….??

Mrs Stone:- Please don't…


Narrator:- AND now introducing Corporal Punishment


Lt Gov.:– Corporal I have been told you are one for fitness and have a punishing routine

Punishment:- I have sir I just love whipping people into shape.


Narrator:- And now introducing the very naughty Private Parts.


Lt Gov.:– Private Parts, are you related to the other parts?

Parts:- There is a connection Sir, I do hang out with them

Lt Gov.:– The ladies of the colony seem to appreciate your efforts to look after their welfare.

Parts:- I do my best sir

(At which point, private parts gave the narrator a leer and patted her on the  bottom)!


Narrator:- And now introducing Private Lessons


Lt Gov.:– Private Lessons, do you, as your name suggests, always feel that in life there is a lesson to be learnt.

Lessons:- Indeed Sir,,, especially if I am teemed with Private Parts.


Narrator:- And now introducing Mrs Hopes Darling


Lt Gov.:– My sweet wife, I heard giggling when I passed your door last night.

Mrs Darling:- Oh? I was telling myself jokes.

Lt Gov.:– Funny was it , the jokes?

Mrs Darling:- In Parts yes and it was a change from Lessons!


Narrator:- And Finally introducing the Adjutant – Freddy Ward.

Narrator scoots offstage – to go phew, thank goodness that's over! Leaving

Lt Governor Darling and Freddy ward to banter on


Lt Gov.:– Ah Freddy a man could not ask for a better adjutant.

Freddy:- Thank you Sir

Lt Gov.:– Freddy you and I are a team, and I think we can when together be less formal. I call you Freddy so I think its only fair that you address me by name also.

Freddy:- Why thank you Fergus

Lt Gov.:– Not that informal you may use my last name

 Freddy:- You want me to call you Darrrling, Darling.


And so on and so on, with lots of adlibbing.

A joke about Viagra lip balm and a stiff upper lip etc.

AND we’ve not finished – there's Saturday Night and Easter Sunday to come yet.


But really it was about the cars..


And the rain


And the mushy mud,


And the muddy cars.


Next instalment – ELVIS is in the building.


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