Monday, April 20, 2015

council of heritage Motor clubs annual Rally 2015 – part 2


Saturday Morning

and it rained


and rained more…


Last minute change of plans. Originally part one of our performance was to be on the back of a vintage truck out side at the Armidale racecourse – however a quick re think and we are preforming inside.


A welcome to the more than 350 guests from the Mayor and the club president;

and then  its Showtime!

Narrator (me) Abbreviated script:-

“ Good morning time travellers!”

“Welcome to our serialised historical pageant,

which is a cross between Blue Heelers and Blue Hills.

(And Benny Hill)!

I invite you to step back in time with us and imagine you are in Armidale in the 1860’s.

It was a time when men where men and sheep still didn’t see any reason to be nervous.


New challenges lay ahead for the young colony……….The Government was based in far off Sydney Town, too far away for real control of the country areas.

NOT that the Politicians where really interested…..Sydney politicians were GREEDY, and SELF SERVING………..They were easily bought by shadowy businessmen with strange foreign names.

To them the law was not to be Obeid!!!!!

(Ha Ha – big cheer from the crowd)


The bush may have been cleared of bushrangers but a new wave of lawlessness spread through the New England district.

The many convicts in the population saw the flood of,cattle duffers, horse thieves,burglars, pick-pockets and real estate agents, all flaunting the law,,,, and many others gleefully joined in the crime spree

The local police troopers were of little use.. At best – burgling buffoons,,,at worst cruel and corrupt

The Lieutenant Governor tried to the best of his ability to control them………….The problem was , he didn't have a lot of ability..

But neither DID THEY!


No one seemed to have much faith in anything anymore……….Even the preacher wanted to be somewhere else………

AND all over the New England…………..Everyone was starting to get very nervous.

Especially the sheep”.!!!!!


YES – I finished it, and didn’t fluff my lines!!

Although I did look down at one point and saw my hand shaking.

I nearly had it memorised so I just needed my book for a prompt.


BUT wait..  I’m not finished – I now have to introduce the players

Firstly with the Lt Governor – Fergus Darling, (Darrr—ling) who then banters on for a bit.. and then,,,,,


Narrator – Introducing Sergeant Pies

Lt Gov.:– Pies I have been told that you can be a bit crusty, however well filled and good company for a meal.

Pies (This is Graham’s bit):- Sir, I guess I’m not to everyone's taste.

Lt Gov.:– Really Pies?

Pies:-Mind you Sir, I can be a bit saucy at times

Lt Gov.:–  Look Pies, Familiar faces…..Ladies and gentlemen raise your hands if you were here in 2008

Pies:- Should we ask them about the missing Ex Services Club cutlery now Sir?

Lt Gov.:– All in good time Pies


Pies:- Sir! - That woman over there with the big yellow flower , can I ask her a question?

Lt Gov.:– If you must.

Pies:- You sweet lady I want your name , address and phone number before the trouble starts.

Flower Lady :- What Trouble?

Pies:- Don’t you worry your pretty head about that, I’ll come up with something.

Lt Gov.:– Dear Lady, if you could see Sgt Pies later it would be most appreciated.


Narrator:- now introducing – The Preacher


Lt Gov.:– Ahhh,,,  Preacher,, still no recall to England

Preacher:- Alas no

Lt Gov.:– Cheer up things could be worse, you could be a prostitute.

Preacher:- WHAT! … What did you say?

(Sgt Pies whispers to the Lt Gov.)

Lt Gov.:– Silly me, I meant Protestant.


Narrator:- Introducing Mrs Stone.

Lt Gov.:– You are,I am told a very astute business women, however I was also told  you were once the companion of the highway man ,, Dick Turpin.

Mrs Stone:- I happen to know a lot of Dick’s. There was Dicktation, Dicktorial, Dicktator. OH, I could go on! And now that I’ve met you I can add Richard Cranium to the list

Lt Gov.:– I don’t follow….??

Mrs Stone:- Please don't…


Narrator:- AND now introducing Corporal Punishment


Lt Gov.:– Corporal I have been told you are one for fitness and have a punishing routine

Punishment:- I have sir I just love whipping people into shape.


Narrator:- And now introducing the very naughty Private Parts.


Lt Gov.:– Private Parts, are you related to the other parts?

Parts:- There is a connection Sir, I do hang out with them

Lt Gov.:– The ladies of the colony seem to appreciate your efforts to look after their welfare.

Parts:- I do my best sir

(At which point, private parts gave the narrator a leer and patted her on the  bottom)!


Narrator:- And now introducing Private Lessons


Lt Gov.:– Private Lessons, do you, as your name suggests, always feel that in life there is a lesson to be learnt.

Lessons:- Indeed Sir,,, especially if I am teemed with Private Parts.


Narrator:- And now introducing Mrs Hopes Darling


Lt Gov.:– My sweet wife, I heard giggling when I passed your door last night.

Mrs Darling:- Oh? I was telling myself jokes.

Lt Gov.:– Funny was it , the jokes?

Mrs Darling:- In Parts yes and it was a change from Lessons!


Narrator:- And Finally introducing the Adjutant – Freddy Ward.

Narrator scoots offstage – to go phew, thank goodness that's over! Leaving

Lt Governor Darling and Freddy ward to banter on


Lt Gov.:– Ah Freddy a man could not ask for a better adjutant.

Freddy:- Thank you Sir

Lt Gov.:– Freddy you and I are a team, and I think we can when together be less formal. I call you Freddy so I think its only fair that you address me by name also.

Freddy:- Why thank you Fergus

Lt Gov.:– Not that informal you may use my last name

 Freddy:- You want me to call you Darrrling, Darling.


And so on and so on, with lots of adlibbing.

A joke about Viagra lip balm and a stiff upper lip etc.

AND we’ve not finished – there's Saturday Night and Easter Sunday to come yet.


But really it was about the cars..


And the rain


And the mushy mud,


And the muddy cars.


Next instalment – ELVIS is in the building.


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